This morning I got a sobbing phone call from my sweet cousin in Florida. She’s been struggling with depression her whole young life. She was sexually abused as a kid and I know from having watched her all these years, she has done THE WORK!!!!
She goes to meetings, surrounds herself with herself with good folks, works consistently, has raised a great kid who is independent now. And yet she falls down again and again. I can see that the shame that goes with falling down is as great as the bruise from the fall.
I was thinking the other day how much of a muse Dan was for me in a million ways.
When I go down, when my heart can’t take the pain (like now during the holidays when Rosh Hashonah which meant so much to me as a kid; a grand daughter of orthodox Jews and a member of a thriving Jewish community with my aunt who held us all together and all my cousins and the music and the food and my Mother and me making kreplach together laughing and dancing around the kitchen, is all gone, I grieve the loss and I can't seem to replace that golden experience).
Two things happened.
- My Dan is a reminder that when you go down deep, your roots get the real nourishment, the mud, the dark soil, the minerals and when you comeup the soul is whole again. The flower reaches for the light and lo you have returned. It's not rocket science, kids. Why is it so easy to forget???? We all know the metaphors and we all know a good sob and a willingness to feel the pain of our lives gives us perspective so we can get back to gratitude.. So I got that one.
- Then two: my friend Judi, when I moaned about sitting here alone on the new year suffering (actually loyal to my suffering) gave me the link to her synagogue’s service and honestly it saved me.
After watching and listening and sweeping the house to the mournful music of my ancestors, weeping and sweeping, I paused it and called my sister who was also wanting some kind of ritual today and we are now listening together.
So thank you Judila and thank you Dan and may my innocent cousin in Florida drink from the dark brew that I know will act as a homeopathic remedy for her sad self.
And may all people suffering in this world find peace and sweetness.
Let’s take a vow that we will not rest until everyone….. everyone….everyone is safe and fed.
L’shannoah tovah my loved ones!!!!!